Gigs we'll probably never be booked for include:

1. Papal funeral mass
2. Royal Wedding civil-ceremony
3. Royal Wedding post-civil-ceremony-ceremony
4. All-Presidents-All-the-Time post-funeral/post-wedding luncheon

Yes, its been a big weekend here at Casa Bass-Boss.

I was in the mood to torture the Teen Groove Goddess so I made her sit down and watch the first hour of the papal funeral. He he he! I said it would be historically important and something she'd remember for the rest of her life. (Yes. Yes I am a sadist). She made at LEAST a dozen phone calls, trying to get a date or any other distraction so she could avoid it, but this town is FULL of sadistic mothers so the funeral proved to be the only game in town. He he he he he he he!!!!

Actually I released everyone after the first hour because (lets face it) it was duller than your Aunt Ada's holiday slides, but I decided to relax, enjoy the show, and bring you a bit of a review.

The various priests, especially the cardinals wore some really 'bitchen' stage outfits. I especially liked the dude with the crown. Mind you, there were an awful lot of variations on the theme of red cape, skull cap and frock. (It sort of reminded me of those Miss America pageants where everyone has to wear the same coloured bathing suit.) Loved, loved, LOVED the folks from other branches and brands of the church. Some really groovy outfits there and the Greek Orthodox band surprised us all with some really emo-themed singing.

Which reminds me - talk about under-rehearsed...we noted with amazement that ALL the cardinals and archbishops and archmages and spooky-holy-people READ EVERY WORD of the ceremony AND the songs from the songsheet. If ever there was a cast of seasoned performers, deze are dey...surely they've done this kind of thing enough times to wing it?

Thought the stage-hand outfits (purple skirts with flouncy white smocks) were a little showy and not in keeping with church teachings on cross-dressing. Quite liked the pallbearers though - the frock-coats and tails were pretty spiffy.

The set dressing was a bit cheesy. The front-of-house curtains were pretty groovy, but they picked a really crap banner and a really, really crap crucifixion statue. Mind you, the altar was pretty spectacular and the P.A was superb. The band and their backing singers was good. They weren't playing any originals but the covers were pretty slick and the arrangements were tight. All in all they did the job and kept the whole performance moving along at a nice pace (for a funeral).

I was pretty disappointed in the crowd. No mosh, no crowd surfing, no uplifted candles or lighters, no fainting or being carried out over the crush barriers, no riots or fainting or hysteria at all. Yes, yes, there was a bit of rowdiness. There was some nice chanting work by the Polish portion of the audience, and some lovely rythmic hand-clapping which seemd to annoy the German cardinal/MC. But the 100,000 strong communion crowd only got waifers, not wine. What's a good party without the piss??

The special celebrity mosh was packed, as expected. Five kings, seven queens, two hundred presidents and heaven-knows who else. They all looked kinda cool and remote but that might be because they were seated in alphabetical order (squirm, titter) and most of the gig was in Latin and they had no clue what was happening.

I must say though that the late great superstar PJP2 looked brilliant. Everyone in the media agreed that he's held together quite nicely for the funeral, although he was supposed NOT to have been emblamed or made up beforehand. (It's something to do with looking naturally good after death - an important test for sanctity, apparently).

Mind you, one especially enterprising media outfit found a London embalmer willing to give away a few makeup secrets about the big day. He said PJP would have been laid on an icesheet to keep him crispy-fresh, with just a wee bit of embalming from the neck up - for the look of the thing. He also revealed that, in his professional opinion, PJP's face was not covered with a wax mask. Oooooh - don't ya love this kind of backstage gossip?

Personally we loved the rather simple, but sporty looking coffin with the hatchback. Very cool. Very now. We predict a craze for them for the next few years, causing considerable stress in the multi-thousand dollar-coffin business. That he opted by be interred in a pre-used grave (one careful papal owner, recently disinterred upon beatification) in a below-ground crypt without statue, stone or flashy extras suggests a kind of Indie sensibility which could well catch on.

So, having completely fucked my chances at ever getting us a gig with any Catholics, I'll bring you my review of the Royal Wedding gig tomorrow...